I feel like a big balloon, never going to pop or deflate. Just one big fat balloon.
My self hate issues are creeping in tonight. making a thousand questions or comments racing through my head. One day it’s going to ruin everything good in my life.
I already have no friends.
I already hate going into work.
My anxiety already takes over my life.
My boss said if you literally say “next” your brain will move on to a new thought.. Wish it worked for me.
Why can’t I just make the commitment to change.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Normal is another word that comes up. I don’t know what exactly it means but I just want to be it.
I wan’t friends, I don’t want to be scared anymore. I don’t want to be a bitch anymore.
I just want to love myself.
I don’t know how and don’t think I ever will. People tell me the good traits that I have but I can never seem to believe in them.
Fat ugly balloon.
Inflating more and more each day.
I guess I just don’t know who I am. I don’t like myself. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m an anti-social. The very few friends I do have I am slowly pushing away, soon I wont have any at all, maybe it’s for the best. I wouldn’t know how to be a friend apparently anyways.
Maybe I should just stop throwing fucking pity parties for myself and just suck it up. I’ve been doing it for years so why can’t I do it now.
The person I see is a coward, a fool, a disappointment to herself and others, ugly fat girl. I don’t have the motivation to change this, even though I want to change it so bad. I don’t know where to start.
I am just not good enough. I need to face this reality. I am the only one who can change this. I am stuck in this rut that I can’t seem to get out of. I don’t want others taking pity on me or upsetting them because of my bad moods.
I have this amazing guy in my life and for the life of me all I ever wonder is what is it that he sees in me that I am blind to. I don’t want to end up hurting him or us because of my lack of self love. I feel it may eventually come to that because I can’t get over my problems. I know he will always listen but he can only listen to what I say, and unfortunately it’s not much. I see the sadness it brings him and I DON”T WANT THAT. No one should ever have to be looped into my issues, they don’t deserve that. Plus my issues are stupid.
The only way to get it out is to cry. And I’m really tired of it because it’s the same thing over and fucking over again. It really isn’t fair to myself either. It holds me back from the things I actually want (not that I know what those things are but maybe if I had a clear head I would figure that out)